An aside: Elliott Smith.

While the intent of this blog is to feature new (and new-to-me) music that I like and recommend, I'd also love the opportunity to talk about the influence that a single artist has had on my life, at a very visceral level.

Most people know how it ended for Elliott Smith. He stabbed himself in the heart, or at least that's what's believed to be true, even though it sounds unbelievable. Another theory is that his girlfriend murdered him, but given his own history of suicidal tendencies, that seems less likely.

There are a lot of male singers whom I've loved dearly who have taken their own lives. Nick Drake. Jeff Buckley. Mark Linkous. And while I still get wrecked thinking about those particular musicians and all that potential squandered, with Elliott Smith, it's different. It's like he was a friend, because he kind of was.

I was late to his music, and when I finally took my friend Al's advice that yes, this was a person worth listening to and yes, it might be depressing and quiet but just do it anyway, I found myself starting out with XO—an album that's the perfect midpoint in his career between his lo-fi beginnings and his over-produced, overly-orchestrated later years.

I was in a crap relationship. The kind that's doomed from the start, where you're together for all the wrong reasons for way too long, the kind where all your friends are like, "Really?" But they don't say anything, even though they probably should. The kind where you don't act like yourself, which should be Clue Numero Uno that you are not, how you say, meant to be. The super-fighty kind. Being generally non-confrontational,  this left me in a constant state of discomfort and second-guessing. Not, "Why is this guy a dick?" but, "What's wrong with me that this guy doesn't love the heck out of me?"

There was a day when I was driving down to Said Ill-Fitting Boyfriend's house, and "Waltz #1" came on. And it stayed on, for about an hour, on repeat. Somehow, I'd started the drive to his house, and the song came on, and suddenly I was just bawling. Just driving and bawling and talking to myself. And making u-turns. I'd drive toward his place, I'd make a u-turn, like, "Fuck that guy." I'd drive away, I'd make another u-turn, like, "Stop being dramatic." The song would end, I'd hit the back button and restart it. Like I was looking for an answer.

With the music you love, you always make it about you. And right then, and for the four-ish years surrounding then, Elliott Smith was writing for me. Those words, and the way he set them perfectly to almost-whispered vocals and lush guitars, well...he might've written it, but it was about me. So basically, we were tight. And because we were tight, I figured, who better to look to for an answer?

"Every time the day darkens down and goes away
pictures open in my head of me and you.
Silent and cliche, all the things we did and didn't say,
covered up by what we did and didn't do.
Going through
every out I used to cop to make the repetition stop...
What was I supposed to say?

Now I never leave my zone, we're both alone
I'm going home
I wish I'd never seen your face."

Not many lyrics, but "Waltz #1" didn't need many lyrics. It said what it needed to say, lyrically and musically. And in doing so, it was the benchmark for bad relationships in my twenties. I figured that if any relationship was bad enough that it felt like this song, then I knew: must abort. Leave immediately. Or not so immediately, but dammit, eventually. Grow a pair and leave.

Many eventuallys later, I drove to that guy's house and dumped him. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I'm certain—like in about a billion ways certain—that we're both better off. And I wish I could thank Elliott, but you know.